honestly?

The other day, Sue asked me what I’ve learned this year. I couldn’t give her more than a general answer with a vague description of self-change and growth. But in actuality, I’ve come to realize one thing about this year. I made a lot of empty promises.

As this school year started, I kept thinking to myself that something felt different, that something was missing. Looking back, maybe it was simply me the whole time. It was all in my head (just like my imaginary friends). It’s not an easy thing to admit, but I’m becoming more and more unreliable as a friend and Christian. Off the top of my head, I recall promising to attend church every Sunday, attend the weekly prayer meetings, tend to the incoming freshmen, stop ordering in, stop buying things I don’t “need”, work out, run every week, practice basketball, read books at a coffee shop, attend my classes, talk to my brother, give CCF another try, try not to annoy other people, be a good friend, be a good leader, lead small groups, etc. There is definitely more than that, but I honestly don’t want to go on because it’s downright discouraging. Out of the list, I have accomplished none of those.

Zero, zip, nada.

Good on ya Dave, you set the bar for failure at an all-time high. I couldn’t even keep promises to myself. How does that even work? Of course I’m telling myself that next year will be different, that I’ll give it another go. But who am I kidding? Looking at my track record, the evidence is overwhelmingly against me.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this mentally drained and exhausted. Honestly, this year was the stink. Downright crummy at times. Sure, there were a few redeeming moments sprinkled here and there. I hold onto those warm moments whenever I can. It’s all I can do to avoid a mental breakdown.

Damn.